Neighbour disputes: What if you, in fact, are the nuisance? – Opinion

The first time I realised my neighbour might have found me a nuisance was when she stormed into my home uninvited, shouting at my carpenters when approved works were taking place.

She was clearly angry. There was no earlier attempt to ring the doorbell, clarify or de-escalate. Prior to this, we had a short-lived cordial relationship.

The same neighbour later shouted at my children’s piano teacher as the teacher was walking past her unit. She was unhappy about a piano class taking place, saying she “didn’t sign up to listen to KPop Demon Hunters”.

Recent news reports – from alarm clocks ringing repeatedly in Tiong Bahru to a long-running dispute in Boon Keng – highlighted how neighbour disputes are more commonplace.

But imagine my bewilderment when a close friend asked me: “These incidents seem to occur quite often – could you actually be the nuisance neighbour?”

That question pointed to an uncomfortable truth: People perceived as annoying or inconsiderate are often the least likely to see themselves that way.

Many behaviours that feel normal to us may not be so to others. They may not be antisocial acts, but everyday activities that can cross into the private spaces of others.

The special place of ‘home’

Noise, smell and any sort of inconvenience invading our home understandably annoy. Psychologically, “home” occupies a special place that represents safety, control, predictability and rest.

Intrusion can feel like a personal violation. Worse, persistent irritants in one’s home trigger stress responses: Our tolerance drops, our irritability increases, and our capacity for perspective narrows.

But unlike many other stressors, neighbours are not temporary. We have to live with running into them whenever we open our doors. This leads people to suppress irritation in the hope of avoiding awkwardness or future conflict.

Yet, bottling unspoken concerns leads to the accumulation of feelings, which may erupt in disproportionate or confrontational ways.

Such conflicts, when drawn out, can even turn violent, as in the case of the incident in Yishun in 2025, where a prolonged noise dispute preceded the death of a 30-year-old woman.

Early communication is key

So how can we handle such incidents better early on, before they escalate? How do we grow our self-awareness that we might be the problem? The key is in early communication – while goodwill still exists.

Take a typically common issue: A neighbour is annoyed by your dog’s barking.

In psychologically effective communication, both parties shift their focus to describing the impact on themselves rather than externalising blame. Using “I” or “we” statements reduces the defensiveness we may feel when confronting someone, or being confronted.

So you could say to the annoyed neighbour: “Hi, we take Milo out for his walks at 8am and 6pm. He gets excited and can be loud as we walk in and out because he’s been waiting the entire day for us to come home. We’d really appreciate your understanding.”

Feeling defensive is normal, but making an effort to pause and listen can prevent escalation. This is often where we discover, uncomfortably, that we may have been the nuisance neighbour without realising it.

So when we are approached with a complaint, listen not just to the words that are used but also for the impact on your neighbour, including the effects from having tolerated the offending behaviours for a while.

Compromise with practical adjustments

The next step is compromise – where both parties make practical adjustments in recognition of shared living.

To lower defensiveness, compromise must be concrete and collaborative, framed as an exercise in joint problem-solving.

In the context of noise, one could say: “I’ve tried closing our doors to reduce the noise. Perhaps I will also close my windows in the future. Would you be open to also closing your door during my child’s piano lessons for that hour, so we can find something that works for both of us?”

Sometimes, a balanced compromise may not be possible, especially when it involves neurodiversity or mental health conditions.

In one recent case in Lorong Limau, a neighbour reportedly behaved aggressively over the crying of a four-year-old child with autism. The child’s mother described feeling overwhelmed and exhausted despite efforts to mitigate noise through soundproofing efforts.

Here, a little kindness and appreciation can go a long way towards supporting your neighbour going through a lonely battle not of their own choosing. Adverse encounters can be opportunities for us to work with others towards better outcomes and avoid personal anger and rumination.

That said, compassion does not require tolerating harassment, intimidation, repeated boundary violations or other acts of malicious intent.

When all else fails, Singapore has formal mechanisms for mediation, including the Community Disputes Resolution Tribunals, and in more serious cases, police intervention exists as a safeguard. Psychological self-care includes recognising when a situation is beyond the limits of what we can manage alone.

Two wrongs don’t make a right

Most neighbour disputes are not about bad people but about tired people, imperfect systems and pent-up frustration colliding in close quarters. This is why it is important for us to exercise self-control, tamp down the instinctive defensiveness, and have some compassion when we can.

The issue I have with my neighbour is not resolved yet – she has avoided face-to-face conversations and ignored invitations to meet.

Meanwhile, I’m reminding myself not to take personally the behaviour of others. Even acts of goodwill and attempts to restore harmony have limits, and not all conflicts can be resolved through communication, compromise or being compassionate.

And in responding to my neighbours, I want to behave in a way I can respect, and that my children can model – while setting appropriate boundaries.

The last thing we want to do is to become the very neighbours we fear.

Dr Annabelle Chow is a clinical psychologist at Annabelle Psychology.

Source: The Straits Times © SPH Media Limited. Permission required for reproduction.

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